There She Is.

I speak often about the time I had my breakdown. When I realized I had lost myself. When I started my journey to become the best version of myself. When I took control of my mental and physical well being. When the blog started. When I had my “ah ha moment. “ 

Huh, it’s funny to think about now. As if we only have one of these moments in our lives. As if that moment happens and then, poof, everything is clear. Life is simple. You’ve figured it all out. 

Right? It’s that easy? 

Sorry to break the news to you, but I think life is full of many more of these clarifying moments. I know, me too, I thought one and done! But nope, I was wrong. 

Absolutely, in that moment of my life I realized I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was as a person. What I did know was that I was a mama, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. That I showed up every single day for everyone else, but rarely for me. That what got me up each and every morning, were the responsibilities I had to others. 

The thing is, I don’t think I am alone in this either. 

That moment by the Christmas tree, that was a wake up call. My “ah ha moment” of that season and one that I will forever be grateful for. For it was in that season that I started my journey to become the best version of myself. Both physically and mentally. I knew it was time. 

That year of growth was the foundation of the life I am still building onto today.  But the thing is, with all that clarity and confidence, I still missed signs. It wasn’t until recently that I had another moment of clarity. Another “ah ha moment” you could call it. 

I have been suffering from two things for a long time now. Both imposter syndrome, as well as living a life built off of what other people expected and needed of me. 

Yes, adding our third daughter threw me through a loop, more than I ever let onto, even to myself. I rarely spoke of it. I never owned it. I avoided it, numbed it, I made it go away however I could. Why wouldn’t I? I was so embarrassed. I was a mom of two other girls prior to having our third daughter. What was wrong with me?! How could I not figure this out? Other mothers around me were doing it so well. They made it look so easy. Why was no one else struggling? Why was it so difficult for me? 

So I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t share this with anyone. Not even my husband. Instead I sat in this place of shame, alone. I made the choice to not go out much, especially not alone with the little girls. I couldn’t grasp control of much in my life. I was spiraling. 

I needed to focus on something else. 

At that same time I was offered a Senior Level position at work. Everyone was telling me what a good move it was. That it would be great for my family. That it would be great for me. Everyone believed in me, but me. I didn’t know if I wanted it. I didn’t know if I could do it. I was already spiraling. I already felt like I was drowning. Would this cause me to drown more? Or could this save me? I didn’t know. But it’s what everyone else wanted for me. 

What I realize now is that by taking that position, it caused me to hide even more than I already had been doing. It gave me something else to focus on. It allowed for me to ignore what was really going on in my life, and to do what everyone else needed me to do. I would never want to disappoint anyone else. Even if it meant going against what was right for me. 

They believed in me. I’d figure it out, right? 

For the last three years I have been living a life that was built on the foundation of not letting others down. I have felt as if someone has had their hands on my back, pushing me through life. Never allowing me to slow down. Never listening to the words I was trying to say. 

This doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like myself. I’m not happy. This isn’t what I want. 

So many people patted me on the head and told me, “atta girl” in order to shut me up and keep me going. They of course knew better as to what was best for me.  

There have been many times in my life that I have not had much of a voice. There have been many decisions made for me, with of course the best intentions. There have been times in my life that I was told what I should do, or how I should feel, because others of course knew best. 

I am so tired of feeling pushed into what others believe is best for me. I am so tired of ignoring my knowing, and listening to everyone else. 

I am tired of….. 

Shaming.

Numbing. 

Coping. 

Surviving. 

Burning out. 

What I want to start doing is more….

Listening. 

Healing. 

Loving. 

Living. 

People might not understand this shift in me, and unfortunately, I might not have the exact words to help them understand. The truth is, I don’t need to. What I know to be true is that I will not live one more day in a life that is built off of what other people think is best for me. 

I no longer want to survive through this life. 

I no longer want to thrive through this life. 

I simply want to feel and live in this life. 

The good, the bad, the hard, the heavy, the frustrating. All of it. I want to feel it all. At my pace. On my terms. Without guilt or shame. Without fear or doubt. With purpose, grace and compassion. 

Oh look, it might have taken another “ah ha moment,” but she did it again. A step closer to the best version of herself. 

There She is.

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