Boundaries.

I recently saw something online that got me really thinking. 

We need to talk about something. 

Boundaries. 

What a tricky thing. They are so powerful. They are so needed. But they are so flipping hard. 

Why are they so hard? Because in many cases when they are created, they ultimately impact loved ones or people close to you. That can be hard. 

It wasn’t until I became an adult that I understood what boundaries were and just how important they were. By creating them, it is not saying you don’t love or care for those around you. It’s simply saying you love yourself and your emotional health more. You are your own priority and people often struggle with this. They take it so personally. They think the boundary is about them, when in fact it’s not. It’s not about them at all. It’s about you. How they feel or how they perceive it, that is on them. You can’t control that, nor is it your responsibility to do so. 

Again, you are your own priority. Don’t ever forget that. 

What I have learned over the years with boundaries is this. 
It is not up to me to fix others. It is up to me to protect myself (and my children while they are young) and our wellbeing. So if that means that a boundary is created in order to do just that, well then that is what is needed.

I learned this next one the hard way. Being a chronic people pleaser for most of my life, this did not come “naturally” to me. But I am here to tell you that it is okay to say no to others. I know, I know…… But you have to remember that everytime you say yes to someone else, you are saying no to you. Choose your yes wisely.

Listen, it is not your job to take responsibility for others, or make up stories in your head about how they are going to react or feel about the boundaries you put in place. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of time, energy and tears I have invested (and wasted) in this exact thing. How many stories I have made up in my own brain around what others were thinking. How they might have interpreted my request or if they were upset by them. Ugh all that time. For what? Them? They don’t need to agree with me. They don’t need to think what I am doing is brave, or needed, or beneficial. It doesn’t matter. It is no one else’s responsibility but my own to make me happy. I have my own needs, my own feelings, my own whys. I remind myself often how other people’s opinions are none of your business. None. 

You guys, we do not need to explain ourselves. We don’t need anyone else’s approvals. We don’t need to feel guilt or shame for the decisions that we have made. The thing is, boundaries are not actually made based on someone else. That is a misperception that I learned recently about boundaries. Really, a boundary is created based on a need you have or desire. The “Who” that is impacted, that is broad. That could be anyone. 

Okay, let's say you set a boundary that you don’t accept people swearing at you. Okay, great. That boundary is not just for your sibling, friend, boss, co worker, etc. That boundary is in place for anyone! Even the person at the store who gets so upset over you taking the last roll of toilet paper that they swear at you. Not cool ma’am/sir, not cool. 

Okay, how about this one? Your boundary is that you don’t talk politics (or pandemics) in your home around your children. Perfect. It doesn’t matter if that is your mailman (or Prime delivery person) or your cousin. This is your expectation, and those that want to enter your home and be around your children need to respect that. I mean, kind of weird if your Prime Delivery person enters your home, but you do you! 

I know I have referred to this before, but it is worth saying again. One of my biggest takeaways from the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle was this. The idea is that you have put yourself and your family on an island (metaphorically of course. I mean, if you can physically, that is so friggin’ awesome). 

Okay, so you’re on this island. You have expectations for those on the island. Everything else, the good, the bad, whatever is out there, it’s on the other side of the drawbridge. Someone wants to come over, but you get to choose if they do. Are they going to respect your boundaries? Whatever those might be. Yes? GREAT! Come on over! And make sure to bring that potato salad you make that I love so much. 

Otherwise, if the answer is no, or you're skeptical, then you get to pass. You get to say no. You actually get to name it. By naming it, you can say to them, “I love you so much and I want to spend time with you, but there are things that we don’t discuss, especially around my children and these are the things. If you can respect this, then come on over and bring that pie. I miss the pie! But listen, if I hear one ounce of it brought up, I am going to respectfully ask you to leave. Know that this does not mean I don’t love you, it just means that I love myself and my family’s well being more.”

Hard, but so, so true. Right? 

You don’t need to feel guilty about the boundaries that you are setting. You also don’t need to live in a world full of anxiety. What you do need is to feel confident, empowered and ready to not only set these boundaries, but enforce them. The second you waver on them is the second you lose your power. You have to be ready. You have to remember, it is not about anyone else but you. It’s never been about anyone else. You can’t change them. You can’t control them. But what you can control is what you allow into your life. So let's put your energy there. 

By setting boundaries I am not only protecting myself and my own wellbeing. I am also showing myself respect, love and my own sense of self worth. I am enough and I deserve to live a happy and healthy life, with boundaries and expectations that I have determined are necessary. 

Don’t ever forget this.