Forgiveness.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. 

My husband and I were sitting on the couch, and had only recently been married. 

He knew I had college debt. 

I had told him about the $80,000 I had accrued with my three degrees.

He knew I was in this forgiveness program that would wash away all my debt, as long as I stayed at my current job for 10 years. 

I had faith. 

He had doubts. 

It was the start of a new year, and we were making our finances our priority.

He asked me to check and see if my loans were accruing interest while sitting in this forgiveness program. 

“No way,” I told him. “The whole purpose of this program is that they hold your loans while you make minimum payments, and then magically it goes away.”

He asked me to click the link to see the loan details. 

I was floored. 

I couldn’t believe it. 

I thought I was going to be sick. 

I can’t even remember at that moment in time how much my actual loan was WITH the interest, but I can tell you it was no longer $80,000. 

Now fast forward…..

When we entered into the pandemic and federal student loans had been frozen so interest would not accrue during this hardship for the country, my loan froze at $140,000. 

That is $60,000 in interest alone. 

Interest. 

Almost double what my actual college education cost me. 

I felt so naive. 

I felt so ashamed. 

All this learning, yet, I couldn’t even understand the details of a loan. 

It was in that lesson, that we made a promise to each other as a couple that we would not fall for programs that promise “free money” like this again. 

We were going to do this together. 

We were going to figure this out. 

Together. 

It was at that moment that we decided that we would not drown in this debt, but instead make getting out from under it our priority. 

It was at that moment that the feelings of guilt and shame for my education grew. 

It was at that moment that I began to feel regret for something I had worked so hard for, for so long.

It was at that moment that I knew it was going to take a while for me to forgive myself.

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