The Ache.

I had been feeling it for so long, but didn’t know what it was. 

Every morning for as long as I could remember, I would wake up with an ache in my stomach and chest. I would lay in bed for those first few moments, reflecting on the day and night before. Had I been in a fight with my husband? Did something bad happen at work? Did I have a challenging night with the kids? 

What was it? Why did I have this ache? 

One day over the summer I asked my husband, “Do you wake up with a bellyache?” He looked at me like I had two heads. “A bellyache,” he asked. “Did you eat something bad last night?” 

The idea that I woke up with this ache every morning baffled him. What baffled me was that someone else didn’t experience it too. 

That’s when I knew something was wrong. 

I’m not joking when I say that I literally Googled “Why do I wake up every morning with a bellyache?”

The results were in. Stress and anxiety. 

Sure, I knew that I was someone that had experienced both in my life. It is something I am very open about. It is something I attempt to manage with therapy, journaling and supplements. My assumption had been that I had this “handled” because if I didn’t do these coping mechanisms, it would look and feel worse, right? 

I brought it up in my next counseling session. She had a look of concern on her face too. She asked me how long it was happening and I answered her honestly, “For as long as I can remember.” 

She asked me to ground myself. She asked me to find time to sit quietly and to listen to what that ache was trying to tell me. 

Weeks later, in my next session I let her know that I had tried to do this a handful of times, but I just couldn’t hear what it was telling me. I assured her not to worry. The time was not wasted because though I could not hear what the ache was saying, I did however come up with great content for my coaching clients! “Thank you,” I said to her. “It is amazing what my brain can come up with when I sit quietly for a minute!”

I was doing it all wrong…….. I was to try again.  This time, to actually stop my thoughts, be still and listen. 

Do you actually know how hard that is to do? Seriously. Zero thoughts. Let me tell you, whatever this ache was trying to tell me, was not going to show up for me in a 5 minute meditation I was used to doing. 

Doing this work took time. It took patience. It took asking myself questions and listening to the answers. 

Then she spoke, and I heard her. 

I wasn’t happy. 

I wasn’t being true to myself. 

I was living a life that others felt was right for me. 

I had so many questions. In what areas? What parts of my life? How could I be so unhappy?! I had everything I had ever wanted or needed. 

Didn’t I?

And so it was time for the work to really get started. It was time to unpack what my knowing on the inside was trying to tell me, that my actions and behaviors on the outside weren’t aligning with.

It was in this realization that this new journey began. The journey to find where in the life I had worked SO hard for, was not aligning with my true sense of self. The journey to find what was on the other side of this ache. An ache I no longer wanted to feel. An ache I was willing and ready to do the hard work for, in order to live a life free of it. 

A life without numbing. 

Toska (n.) a dull ache of the soul, a sick pining, a spiritual anguish. 

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