Numbing.

When I was a little girl, I experienced a lot of change and loss at a young age. This brought a lot of emotions that I did not know how to process or speak to. 

At that time I hadn’t realized that in order to cope with everything happening around me, I had designed a protective shield that would guard my heart. I guess in creating this shield,  my hope had been that it would do its job. It would protect me and keep me safe. 

But it didn’t. 

Instead, it began to desensitize me. It allowed for my young, innocent self to detach from my own heart in order to no longer feel any pain that came my way. But instead of not feeling the pain, it also blocked things like hope, trust and faith. 

Without even noticing, this shield had begun to teach me things about coping with all the hard things that came into my life, but what I actually realized now is that what it was teaching me was how to numb it. Numbing had become my saving grace, not realizing just how unhealthy it was. In my eyes, I truly believed I was coping. I thought I was “handling things,” but I wasn’t. 

When I felt lost, stressed, or out of control, it was in these moments that I treated my body the worst. Instead of nurturing her, listening to her, or being gentle with her, I would instead tune out anything she was trying to tell me and put that shield right back up in its place. 

To protect, not feel and it all shut out. 

Sure, my numbing looked like me drinking too much. It also looked like me feeling as though I needed a drink in order to relax or show up as my best self. Oh and don’t forget about the emotional eat. I would let that slide by telling myself it was a “treat” but knowing in actuality, I was simply sabotaging myself. 

But my go to numbing tactic was maybe not what you might think. It actually was that I worked too hard and too dang much. 

I could never sit still or just be. I had to always be doing something. If I was sitting, that meant I was not being productive, or accomplishing things. So I would take on too much and pile it right on top. I would be so busy and so stressed about how busy I was, but that was the point! If I could focus on the stress of being busy, then I didn’t have to actually deal with what was going on. 

Smart right? 

Well, I guess I thought so.

It took me realizing that my body, mind and spirit were exhausted. It took hitting another point of breakdown to actually see what I had been doing, I had been doing for most of my life. 

For far too long I had been sitting in a body with unprocessed feelings that had forced myself to show up every day, feeling “fine.” 

Well, I don’t want to just be fine anymore. I also don’t want to merely be  surviving through this life. What I want from this life is to feel it. Every single part of it. The good, the bad, the hard. I want to feel it, listen to it and learn from it. 

 I no longer want to numb it “away.” 

After so many years of living this way, I am finally ready to do the work to let down that shield. I am finally ready to embrace myself, instead of abandoning myself. I am ready to treat my body, my mind and my soul like the temple that they are. I am ready to stop ignoring what she is telling me, and leaning into this life. I am ready to apologize to my body, mind and spirit, and allow the healing that has been needed after all these years to finally begin. 

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