38.
What a year. Sure, I could sit here and reflect on the chaos we are chalking up as 2020, but I don’t think it’s necessary. You were there. You know how ridiculous it was. Let’s leave that right where it is. Instead, I’m going to look towards the future. I’m going to reflect on the lessons I have learned in my 38th year. I am not going to dwell on them. I am going to move forward. We all need to move forward.
So I thought I would share with you four lessons that my 38th year taught me.
Lesson one: Having goals to work towards is important! We all deserve to want and dream of more. The great part is, we get to determine what more looks like for ourselves! Maybe “more” is more rest. Maybe it’s more time outside or time spent with loved ones. Maybe it’s less work, and more play! There is no one answer to what more is. For me, having goals is part of my DNA. I am action orientated (hello to do list). Having goals gives my brain something to focus on instead of anxiety or other negative emotions. I honestly think having goals is what kept me somewhat sane. It was something to keep me preoccupied. It became something in my life that I felt like I had somewhat control over. This mindset definitely worked for me! Well, to a degree. See lesson two below.
Lesson two: It’s okay to rest. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy or that you are weak. Following lesson one, and now looking back, I’ve for sure realized something. I pushed myself to my limit last year. To a place of truly understanding what burnout was. I thought pushing myself the way I did was what I needed to do in order to survive through this hard season. I was wrong. Now looking back I know that I could have found some sort of balance. I could have found a pace in which to set my goals, work hard towards them, AND, take care of myself. I thought if I just kept pushing myself I wouldn’t feel all the things that were showing up in my life. Again, wrong. What I did to myself was in a sense a form of numbing. Numbing what I was trying to avoid. See lesson three.
Lesson three: Feel all the feelings. I experienced a lot of loss last year. Loss I wasn’t prepared for. For some of it, I allowed myself to stuff the feelings deep inside of myself. I hid all of the hard things behind the walls I have so meticulously built my entire life. Towards the end of my 38th year, I finally allowed myself to start feeling some of it. Not all of it, that would be too much for me right now. But I am proud of the work I have done to allow myself the opportunity to start and grieve what I have lost. I have allowed myself to feel the anger, the sadness, the disappointment and the confusion. I have allowed myself to sit in it. It was hard. It is still so raw and sensitive. It has taken so much of my time and energy, but at the end of the day, it has allowed me to start my healing process. If I had allowed myself to continue to just put all of it behind those walls, I think I would have experienced another emotional breakdown like 2018 that started my personal growth journey.
Lesson four: At the end of the day, I have realized that we are all doing the best we can. Our entire lives we have worked so hard to make the best decisions we can for not only ourselves, but for our family. As far as I know, no one was given a manual to navigate any of this. Forget about how to live life during a pandemic. Every day we are given the opportunity to make new decisions. Some days we realized that maybe we should have done things differently. But all we could do was learn and try again, and again and again. This last year has for sure highlighted many cracks in the foundation we had each built for our lives. Everything seemed to be under a microscope. Everything up for discussion. All of a sudden opinions were being given, not asked for, but given. Relationships were tested and severed. When I look back, I wish the approach we had as a community would have been to remind one another that we were all just doing the best we could. That being kind, understanding, patient and to have grace were things that we should all model. That wrapping around one another, no matter what “side” you were on was the ultimate goal. No one was going to do this perfectly, but we could have done it together.
Forward: As I look forward, I see so much hope. I see lessons that we have learned individually and as a community. I see opportunities like nothing we’ve ever seen before. I see a great deal of healing still being needed, but with some time, intention and energy, I think it can happen.
This next birth year wraps up my 30s. My 30’s have been great to me. Some of my best years. So, I thought it would be fun to make this last year one to remember. I have taken some time to create a list of 40 things I want to do over the course of this next year. I of course had to come up with a great name for it. Ready for it?!
Talk 40 To Me!
Yes, I’ll be sharing the list soon! I’ll also be updating it and crossing things off as I accomplish them. I highly suggest doing something like this! It is extremely motivating and fun to come up with things that you want to be intentional with in your life like this. You don’t even need to have a milestone birthday coming. You can do it for ANY birthday!
As I wrap up this reflection, I want you to think about something. Yes, hard seasons happen, but I promise you, there are always lessons to be learned if you are open to receive them. These lessons will help us to move forward. It’s time to move forward. It is time to heal. I am ready for this new year of growth and potential. I am ready to live the life I have worked so dang hard for.
Come on 39, show me what you’ve got!